A peaceful day

I have not written in a while. I have wanted to for a long time, but life keeps getting in the way. I finally have sufficient motivation today. There are no life lessons here, just a record of a nice day. If you are reading this, I hope you can resonate with the peace I feel.

Life has not been too bad these past few days. I have been maintaining a schedule, working, eating, walking and sleeping. Yesterday, I started feeling inadequate – as a student, friend and child. There are so many people I want to talk to, but I just don’t seem to have the energy to even pick up a phone and just talk. These periodic depressive moods have been persistent since puberty hit me, I should have made my peace with it by now. All of us take our own time to learn, I guess.

I had to conduct a tutorial today. There have always been connection issues (I need to run the tutorial in person and virtually at the same time) at the institute, so I decided to prepare in advance today. As a result, I got a little behind schedule (although still very much on time). When I reached the Tube station, there were severe delays, as a result of which I had to take a tube which left me at a station further away from the institute. With a lot of sprinting, I made it on time, only to see an empty classroom. The students, it seems, had collectively decided to attend virtually. Anyway, I set up everything while having a coughing attack and began class. A student asked a question, and then disappeared while I was explaining it. Some other students left as well. In the end, there were 3 students. None of this is uncommon, given that it was the last class of the term. Yet, it made me sad. I now also felt inadequate as a tutor.

Determined to make at least one thing trouble me less, I sat in a cafe and resolved to complete some work. I managed to do a bit, but not everything. I was not fully satisfied but I had to leave. So I left the cafe and walked towards the bus station, while chatting with my parents. No bus was visible, so I kept walking. When I finished the conversation, I realized I had reached Green Park, a massive park located in Central London. Some people were sitting, I felt a strong urge to do the same. So I sat among yellow daffodils, serenely watching the sun set while listening to nice music. It was very calming. As I looked around, I began recognizing spots where different events have occurred over the years – a sword fight during a friend’s birthday treasure hunt, being reunited with a long lost colleague from a different continent, biking with my best friend etc. I didn’t even know the name of this park till today! With all these thoughts swarming in my head, I got up and resolved to walk the rest of the way.

Right across Green Park is Hyde Park. It is massive. I decided to steer myself as far away from the road as possible. Here are some of my memorable experiences : the comfort after finding that stray hair which has been causing itching for a while, feeling thirsty and wanting to pee simultaneously, the massive relief post peeing (which was held for a while), removing an insect stuck in the eye, watching an Uncle exercise, watching a duck disappear in the water and reappear elsewhere, watching a swan take out its long and beautiful neck from the water, standing next to grass taller than me, watching my skin get blasted by a dryer, feeling the warm glow of the sun and the chilly wind at the same time, and dancing to All Izz Well without caring what others think.

I spent most of my time outside in my childhood running around trees, I never realized how much I missed doing these “futile” activities as an adult. Even during some of my most stressful days, I would take long walks in the moonlight on the beach with my father. There is always going to be something that will make me feel inadequate, but nature gives me the power to take it with a pinch of salt and move on. No matter where I am or how stressed I am (in fact, especially when I am maximally stressed), I am now recognizing the rejuvenating power of nature.

It has been an important lesson, and one that was long overdue. Hopefully I will not forget it soon, and will indulge more often in actual self-care, ie, taking more walks for leisure by myself. Although the day isn’t over, I am now too tired to work. I have chosen to give myself the time I need to be in the correct mind space for work, without feeling guilty about it. I have no doubt it shall pay off.

Summer is finally here! I look forward to enjoying it and hope you do too.