Growing Up

I have been meaning to write this for a while. It has been 5 months since I turned 26. I can feel myself getting older, and I want to note down this transition while I remember it.

Both my body and mind feel resistant to change. I had debilitating neck pain a few months ago. I was unable to (quite literally) lift myself out of bed. It was a shocking reality check, and perhaps a warning : if I do not care for my body, I will end up in pain. Ever since, being a 6-8 hour laptop user on a daily basis, I have been using proper equipment to make sure that my neck does not feel the pressure.

My mind has been going through similar shifts. Last year, I conducted classes at least once a week, engaged with my supervisor, and took some time out to meet with two different friend groups each week, bringing my total interaction to at least 8-10 people a week. Now, I feel exhausted conversing with about half the number. My bandwidth for all forms of interaction has significantly reduced. Even replying to text messages is tiring, with my average response time (for non-urgent messages) going up from 30 minutes to almost 24 hours! Emails are out of question, I only respond if absolutely necessary. Meeting people earlier was a source of joy; now I must think twice so as to not bump into any energy vampires.

I guess this shift can be attributed to transitioning from finding joy in the unknown and in adventure; to appreciating and basking in the comfort of the known. What I look forward to achieving daily is a sense of satisfaction with respect to work, good food and a good night’s sleep. Surprisingly, getting all of these is a challenge, and not achieving them makes me irritable.

Some might think of this as negative, but it seems to me that I am focusing more on doing what is right for me. The beauty of slowing down, I find, is in appreciation of the finer details of life. While I do notice and feel things more intensely, I am also getting more patient with myself and others, and letting time do its magic without worrying too much. When I do choose to spend time with friends, it is not because I over exerted, but because we mutually wanted to. Unburdened by doubt, I can then truly enjoy the moment as it is, and feel its full force.

I notice that this attitude affects my work as well. Now, I don’t mind missing a deadline as much, if I can submit something which I have worked on to the best of my capability. I force myself less to excel and outshine when I can’t. I am beginning to accept myself for who I am, enjoy and appreciate it, because there is no other way I could be.

It is a bittersweet moment. Sometimes I worry that I have lost my drive for excellence. But I recognize that this has nothing to do with my drive to live my best life, as long as I don’t burden myself with guilt. Indeed, I am growing up.